Wednesday pt.3

I wasn’t a stranger to sex.I had seen several scenes on T.V . I read Mama’s Mills and Boons everytime. It was always safely tucked in the middle of my class note. Mama would praise me for being studious. I always read late into the night. One day I asked Mama what “Cunt” meant. She choked on her meal. 

Where did you hear that?, she had asked 

I read it somewhere, I replied

Where?, she demanded 

“My classmate wrote it on her book”, I lied

“I think I need to have a word with your teacher”
She never did though.

Caro, our neighbors daughter was always having sex with John- another neighbours son -under the staircase. I always hear them. 
So the sound Mama was making was far from strange.
Ahhh Patrick….ohh…. harder! Yes! Yes!

I increased the volume of the T.V. I was disgusted to hear mama and Papa in the act. 
Especially mama.
They should actually try to be more discreet. 
I looked at Jesus and wondered what he thought about sex.
Then I heard the buzzer. 

I would never understand the Chinese. Did they have hearing issues? 
I looked through the peep hole and saw some church members.
The buzzer again, followed by a knock on the door.
Mama Ejiro!!!, Are you home?, Sister Agnes, our Sunday school teacher called out. ” Ejiro! Tricia! ”

They had never come to our house before. Papa had warned Mama. He didn’t want anybody from her church visiting the house. 
Mama had stopped moaning.
Papa appeared at the door. 

Who is there? he asked
I just stared at him blankly
Tricia looked like she was going to throw up.

“Greetings from church o”, said Sister Agnes, “Brother Dele and I are here to see you o. We did not see you in ….

Papa, shirtless with only his boxer shorts opened the door.

Wednesday pt.2

We watched as Papa approached the house he had rented for Mama, humming his favorite song …” If you marry taxi driver I don’t care , if you marry taxi driver, I don’t care”. Papa was holding a bunch of flowers. why tho?
I looked at Mama, as she said a silent prayer into her rosary.
Our compound was quite large, in the middle of it was a one storey building with four flats, two on the ground floor and two on the top floor. Ours was on top right floor. 
Go and sit with Mama Caro, Mama whispered as she closed the curtains 

in our neighbors house downstairs. Tricia, sad and resigned obliged. But i wouldn’t budge. I looked back at Mama Caro, she was looking at Mama with pity. We heard Papa’s foot fall on the stairs. Then the buzz of our doorbell. Mama clutched the curtains, her knuckles turning red against her light skin. We all held our breathe as Papa kept on pressing the buzzer. 
Suddenly Mama’s china phone rang ! The queen of England would have heard the sound in the comfort of her palace in England. 

So much for hiding. She picked the call but Papa had apparently hung up, because she didn’t say anything.

Mama choked, just as we heard Papa descend the stairs.
Mama Caro’s doorbell rang almost immediately. My mom nodded in her direction, giving her the go ahead to open the door.

She led me away from the window and put on her best smile, removed her scarf and hid her bible.
“Good evening Madam, Is my wife here?
“Good evening, Baba Ejiro, yes she is” 

“Sweetheart” Mama said, already at the door, “We came to gist with Mama Caro for a bit, Mama Caro thank you for having us” 

She turned and hugged the middle aged woman “thank you” she whispered.

Papa was already ushering us upstairs.

Tricia was beaming at him as he ticked her. 
“How is my favorite girl doing”
I rolled my eyes.
Mama quickly ran ahead of us to open the door. As she struggled to open the door, her bible, rosary and scarf fell from under her skirt.
Papa smiled. His lips tight. He dropped Trish and bent to pick up the fallen items, handed them over to Mama alongside the flowers he brought.

Mama was speechless.
He took the key from her and opened the door.

We all filed in. Mama coming in last. 

Her eyes were already red.

Papa moved towards Mama and she was visibly shaking, waiting for him to strike her.

He stretched his hand and she cowered in fear, but he just took her arm and led her to her room.

“Wait here and watch T.V” he said.

We were too scared to move an inch until they disappeared into the room and closed the door.
“Will Papa beat Mama today?, My seven years old sister asked
“Maybe” I whispered “or maybe Jesus would finally help her.

I looked up at Jesus as he dominated the well arranged alter. Four of him stared back at us. I will never understand Mama’s need to have more of him. She would probably buy one more portrait next week. For more protection… who knew.
I turned on the T.V, just as Nepa interrupted the power supply . Papa came out from the room shirtless and went to turn on the generator.
I was about to go into the room to check on Mama when Papa came backhand said “No, I said go and watch T.V”
Yes Papa, I mumbled.
He shut the door.
A minute later I heard it.




Huddled in a corner of the living room, Tricia and I watched as Papa dragged Mama across the room and flung her on a nearby chair. Wailing, she sprang up and ran to the door, Papa, hot on her heels again dragged her back.

“You cannot stop me from going to church, you can not stop me and my children” she cried.

“ I can” Papa shouted as he slapped her across her face.

Papa did not live with us, he only came three days a week. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Today is Wednesday. Wednesdays are bad days.

We watched as he moved to Mother’s alter.

“Nooooo” she screamed as she flung herself on the table laden with Bibles, notes, hymn books, scent oil, rosary, candles and several portraits of Jesus Christ, and Mary. Papa pulled her by her hair and literally flung her across the room. Mama, bruised, bloodied and weak lay on the floor sobbing, barely glancing at me and Trish.

Papa pulled down the alter, it’s items strewn all over the floor. A picture of Jesus landed at my feet and he just stared at me.

“Do something” I mumbled, “Help Mama” I pleaded, tears rolling down my cheeks. Trish pulled me closer.

Jesus did nothing, he just stared, his hands outstretched as if asking me for something.

“How can you do this in front of your daughters, they are barely ten years old” Mama said weakly, as she watched him pick up his bag.

He threw a couple of Naira notes on Mama and left us.

Mama sobbed into the night as we cleaned up the house.

It was the usual practice every Wednesday. Papa would beat Mama up on Wednesdays so she couldn’t go to church. She was only allowed to go on Sundays. Papa made sure of it.

He came on Friday. Mama made a delicious pot of stew and we all laughed into the night.

Papa was a good man. He was a bad man on Wednesday’s though, because he beat Mama on Wednesday.

**   **    **
It’s Tuesday evening and I look up at Jesus on Mama’s alter, wondering if he would finally help Mama tomorrow.

Mama shooed me off to bed and went back to her alter.

I watched from the room her as she cried and cried and begged Jesus to help her tomorrow.

Moses Idinkpa

Baba Lekan! Where is this man leading us? Nibo ni Baba yi n muwa lo? Is that not water ahead?, my mom wailed!
It was taking forever to get to this new land Uncle Moses was taking us to, a land of milk and honey. LOL. As if. As long as we are in this Naija, there’s neither milk nor honey for the masses. My Mom was super worried though. She felt we were better off in Shomolu, slaving away where the government had kept us imprisoned for almost a year. Now this Moses man somehow managed to help us escape with the promise of a new land. We thought maybe America or London. 
I looked ahead and indeed saw water ahead. What used to be third mainland bridge now lay beneath the lagoon. Cars, buses had all been grounded. Walking was not fun but we had no choice. 
“We need to cross to the other side”, Uncle Moses said, “we will be safer there”
It’s like you this man, you are mad abi? So Obalende is where the milk is? Cross where sef , cross how? Ah Baba Lekan, I told you this man is a crazy man!
Some other people had started complaining too. 
“Not Obalende, Banana Island” Moses said, grinning from ear to ear.
“Oga Moses, we are more than a thousand here, how do we cross to The other side? Why did we follow this road? We could have gone through Eko bridge, at least that one never collapse like third mainland”. 
All of a sudden we heard gunshots! 
My mother fainted. We could hear sirens in the background. 
Ehh!!! Chimooo! A woman wailed. Baba Ebuka, we don die today! Moses Idimpa! This is your plan abi? To bring all of us here to kill us? No be so?! She grabbed her bosom, prancing. 
Moses looked at the people he had struggled hard to emancipate and shook his head at their lack of faith in him.
He started to say “God will show us the ….” when a stone hit him on the head and he looked up to see Mama Lekan coming towards him, violence in her eyes. 
He quickly moved away just as her husband grabbed her. 
After a quick prayer to God for directions, he approached the group of about two thousand people. He could hear the sirens and gunshots coming closer. 
He looked over at the lagoon. They were standing at the tip of the collapsed bridge, just after Adekunle junction . Moses stood at the precipice and stretched out his newest iPhone – newly acquired before the civil unrest started- towards the Lagoon,
“Raindrops, drop top (drop top) Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) Fuckin’ on your bitch she a thot, thot, thot (thot) Cookin’ up dope in the crockpot, (pot)”
His phone was ringing.

“Errr, Barnabas, make I call you back, I dey middle of something, abeg. Ehen. On top MMM? Ehen! Tell him to pay into my account I go confirm am when I reach. Okay. Later bro….er help me Ph down. Okay.
He stretched the phone towards the lagoon again as we all watched anxiously, wondering if he had lost his mind. 
There was a rumble…we all stood at alert wondering what was happening. 
“Raindrops, drop top (drop top) Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) Fuckin’ on your bitch she a thot, thot, thot (thot) Cookin’ up dope in the crockpot, (pot)” 
The rumble stopped and everyone hissed.
“Hello John, how you dey now” Moses gave the group side eye “ I dey busy now o, I wan part Sea, mehn, ehn …some people wan cross go the other side. Yes. We dey go Banana Island. Yes. I go hail you when I reach that side”
The End.
I tried and tried but failed to find an appropriate end to this story. You can end it if you will in the comment  section.

Funmilayo Lawal: Evergreen in our Hearts 


Four years gone. 

Snatched by the cold hands of death,

Yet warm memories of you remain.

Very close to our hearts, it’s almost palpable. 

Your eyes twinkling in mischief,

Your warm smile was like a ray of sunshine, 

It came from within…

Escaping your gap teeth, to the bow of your lips….

Lighting up everyone and everything around you! 


Life was short.

We grieved! We asked why! 

But God is God

He knows best

Sleep well my friend 

Sleep well my sister

We love you

But the Lord loves you more.

Sun re!

My Two Years Old Daughter Had an Orgasm…

Featured Image -- 110

Oh man, I will never forget this (because it still happens).

My two year old daughter had an orgasm. Right in front of me. From grinding her little vagina on the corner of her toddler sized ottoman.

SO here’s the full story: When my daughter was about four months old, I was giving her a bath in her baby bath, which came with a spa whirlpool attachment. One day, I put her in the bath, and the whirlpool was facing her feet (normally it was pointed at her head, but she was on the little elevated thing so it would just circulate around her). She started cooing happily. I figured – like a normal dad – she was just happy for her bath. Cue next bathtime: I put her in the correct way this time, and she realized she couldnt feel the hot water jet on her vagina (I didn’t connect this for a while, and even then I just thought she liked how it felt on her feet).


Fast forward a few months, and her grandmother bought her a toddler-sized easy chair, that came with an ottoman. Now she had always been a squirmy wormy, we just never figured out that she was trying to stimulate her vagina on things. To this day, I still don’t know why she tried to hold herself up on the sides of it and hump the corner of it. I have no idea where she got that idea. I just remember watching her and wondering if she was itchy, or had a UTI, or some other scary thing that a dad who grew up with only brothers had never experienced. Then she did it. She let out this low guttural sound, ignored everyone around her, and then stood up fresh as a daisy.


If I could have bleached my brain I would have. So my enlightened reaction is to make a doctor’s appointment who informs me that this is a thing called Toddler Masturbation!

WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NONSENSE?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? WELL HOW DO I STOP IT?! DON’T stop it is what I was told, you’ll make her afraid of her body. As she gets older, you just have to tell her that this sort of thing happens in her bedroom only, in private. So here she is, at four. Still humping away, though now she’s way too big for that ottoman (it gets washed lmfao).

As a result, she has developed an absolute ridiculous upper body and core, she has a sixpack and her waist can still fit 6 month jeans. Although we don’t actively encourage her to do it, we also don’t stop her. We let her know it’s normal to explore your body, (though we do actively discourage her from trying to put anything in there like fingers and stuff).

My son – thankfully – is more interested in trucks and trains – Benjamin Norwood-


I’m just here with my mouth open like ……. Nkan nbe! My mother would  beat the demon out of you. Lmao. Toddler masturbation bawo?

Oyinbo behaviour.


Jokes apart though, it is actually a thing. You can read up on how it works and how to manage it here :

What is the most complicated romantic relationship you’ve had?


“You are probably not going to believe this one. I am going anonymous for the sake of my wife. We had lived together for two years before getting married. It wasn’t really a conscious decision. We dated before she left home to go to school. We knew that we were going to marry. She went to the university and I went to boot camp. I did not make it through boot camp due to medical issues. So I enrolled in the same school. I got a room off campus, she came to visit, and never left again. My parents were overseas and hers were not very supportive of our relationship so a wedding ceremony did not seem important. But one day we both clicked and decided to have a wedding anyway. I had already decided to go into law enforcement. She was studying to be a teacher.

The year I graduated tragedy struck. She was babysitting and the child died in her care. She was intially charged with murder because as it happened another babysitter in the same area around the same time had admitted to murdering 5 children in her care.

The state however dropped the charge to criminal negligence, no one who knew my wife would believe the incident was intentional and as it worked out I was attending the police academy while her attorney was working the case.

I finished the academy and got hired immediately. Her attorney and the state agreed on a deal and she was sentenced to a prison about an hour away from where I was working. A month after I started my career she assisted with setting up the new apartment then we delivered her to start her prison sentence.

I visited her every month except one when my schedule made it impossible. She did everything she had to do and after 18 months she came back home.

It was not easy. But we were both committed to each other.

We stayed together through my entire career, we have raised a son together. Of course she was not able to follow her original plan of teaching, she did wind up establishing her own business which she still runs today.

We supported each other when we needed it most. She is a fantastic mother to my son. And we have shared many more good times than bad.

Both her parents and my parents celebrated more than 50 anniversaries and both marriages were true to their vows till death did them part.

We are on track to do the same.

I almost cried reading through this on Quora , it takes a lot of love and guts to stick through and keep fighting regardless of what comes at you. I hope I find this some day.